What to do when the trash is overflowing

We probably have all had that moment.

Your partner says they will do something — take out the trash, do the dishes, do the laundry — and they don’t.

They say they don’t remember, or they’ll do it “soon.”

The trash overflows. Gnats circle the dishes. The laundry smells mildewy.

If you do it yourself, you reinforce that they get to choose when and when not to do the chores based upon convenience to them. You stay in the role of housekeeper, caretaker, one who picks up the pieces. You actually feel better doing this sometimes because there’s less conflict. The short term is less conflict, and more harmony, but underneath the resentment builds. You end up lashing out at random times when you just can’t take it anymore.

If you remind them, you become the parent. Nagging, reminding of chores, holding on to the mental load of monitoring if the job is getting done or not. You feel resentful. You feel a little disgusted by them. You don’t want to date them, or have sex, or really even listen to them.

If you do nothing it gets worse. And worse. Until finally they do the chore. And then the whole thing starts over.

So what to do when faced with these — pretty sucky — options?

Okay, time for a bit of self-reflection and brutal honesty…

1) What do you want most out your life right now? (Not forever, not in two years, but now.) Is it peace and low conflict? Is it just survival? Is it to feel more understood and seen by your partner? Is it more equity at home? There is no right answer. We are empowered to choose our own answer for us in this moment AND have the right to change it at any time in the future.

2) How much energy do you want to put into making changes?

3) Based on your answer to #1 and #2, how would this guide you?

If you want low conflict, maybe this isn’t the time to ask your partner to act differently. If you want to feel more understood, this might be the time to practice directly stating your lived experience more clearly: “When you say you are going to do something, but don’t tell me when, I end up feeling like I’m a parent monitoring to make sure you actually do it.” If you want more equity, maybe it’s time to sit down and divvy up chores explicitly.

4) Take out a post-it and write down what your #3 answer is. This is your north star, your goal, your guiding principle to help you get clear on what your focus is right now. It will help you to find your way back when things are feeling sticky or confusing.

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