We probably have all had that moment.

Your partner says they will do something — take out the trash, do the dishes, do the laundry — and they don’t.

They say they don’t remember, or they’ll do it “soon.”

The trash overflows. Gnats circle the dishes. The laundry smells mildewy.

If you do it yourself, you reinforce that they get to choose when and when not to do the chores based upon convenience to them. You stay in the role of housekeeper, caretaker, one who picks up the pieces. You actually feel better doing this sometimes because there’s less conflict. The short term is less conflict, and more harmony, but underneath the resentment builds. You end up lashing out at random times when you just can’t take it anymore.

If you remind them, you become the parent. Nagging, reminding of chores, holding on to the mental load of monitoring if the job is getting done or not. You feel resentful. You feel a little disgusted by them. You don’t want to date them, or have sex, or really even listen to them.

If you do nothing it gets worse. And worse. Until finally they do the chore. And then the whole thing starts over.

So what to do when faced with these — pretty sucky — options?

We raise men to value strength, being right, and being tough over being in touch emotionally.(This is actually misogyny: devaluing "feminine" characteristics.)

As a result, when confronted with their mistakes or ways they may have unintentionally hurt someone, they ⚡go very quickly into shame⚡. This happens when ⚡they can't tolerate the "I'm wrong"⚡ experience.As a result, when someone shares they were hurt, they interpret it as 💥blame💥 instead of as sharing experiences.💥

One way many men avoid shame is by turning the blame they perceive around on someone else. They don't know how to tolerate feeling bad, so they project it outwards instead.

We all grow up with the idea that finding a partner, getting married, will make us feel less alone in the world. We crave having someone who has our back all the time. We search for someone who gets us and prioritizes us. We want a partner, in the truest sense of the word.

And then…we get married.

How in the world did I ever have the idea I’d have equity in my marriage anyway?

It isn’t as though my parents set the bar high, and I had bounds of experience with happy partnerships.

I didn’t see my parents sharing the household responsibilities or the child-rearing anywhere near equitably. The one who made money worked 40 hours a week and then did what they wanted. The one who cared for the kids and house, worked 24/7 every day being resopnsible for the kids and house. I mean, my dad did more than most dads of his generation. Did I grow up seeing him chipping in on the weekends? Uh, not unless it was mowing the lawn or maybe grilling ribs for dinner once in a blue moon.

So how the heck do we grow up thinking things are going to be equal?

We are at once told that we have it better, and at the same time taught to maintain the status quo.

When we have kids, we don’t expect our partners to take the kids to any appointments.

Instead, we do it.

We don’t expect our partners to schedule and attend the teacher conferences.

We do it.

We don’t expect our partners to buy and organize and then get rid of children’s clothes.

We do it.

The problem is that We hold two opposing beliefs in our minds and bodies: Things will be more equal for us; we have to do things if we want them done well.

In the therapy world, we use an analogy of long-term, high functioning depression in terms of someone wearing a backpack with rocks in it. Every day a new rock is added to the backpack, but the weight is small enough you can manage through the day and adapt. This goes on, and on, until it feels harder and harder to just move. You’ve been wearing the backpack for so long, you’ve actually forgotten you’re wearing it. You blame yourself for being so tired, so slow, so “lazy.” You don’t know why it’s so hard to function like other people and decide that there’s just something wrong with you.

A similar analogy can be used for the mental load. Except, I would change it a little….

We’ve been told growing up that even though we have on the backpack, we have been given a gift that other generations haven’t had: we are independent! You get to work outside of the house (while wearing your backpack of course) and because you have the choice to do this, you are equal! Congratulations! You’ve made it.

Yet, every day feels harder than the last. Your back hurts (because you’re hauling around a ton of rocks, but you aren’t aware of this), you’re tired, you can’t seem to sleep enough, your mood is shoddy, you can’t seem to have fun, you don’t enjoy playing with your kids, and all of this — the world tells you — means you have done something wrong.

Your brain is in full-on planning mode from the moment you wake up. You rehearse in your head the order of your day. You tally up the things you need to get done. You count backward to figure out if you have enough time to do it all. From the moment you wake up you are planning, anticipating, noticing and organizing and YOU. ARE. EXHAUSTED.

“I don’t know how to stop this cycle.”

I met with Jamie for our session (not her real name) and she was fed up and done with having to do all the things. She planned the lunches, the snacks, the appointments. She met with the teacher and knew when the doctor’s visits were scheduled for. She knew the playdates and the kids at the playdates and the mothers of the kids at the playdates.

You’re tired of being the only one who has read the parenting books. You listen to the podcasts. You talk to friends about parenting strategies. And your partner has done… well, nothing. You put the book on the nightstand and they don’t read it. You text them an audio to listen to and they don’t. You’re frustrated and feel undermined because they aren’t reinforcing your parenting strategies.

(I’m gonna get a little cishet here as I delve in to some research and experience focusing on straight, monogomous, male-female couples; though the topic below relates to all kinds of relationships.)

Why is this happening? Can it be stopped?

There is a way to feel more like a team. You can be on the same page with your partner. But first we have to get to what’s behind this problem. Otherwise you just keep fighting about surface level problems and don’t get anywhere new.

When I work with folks, so many of their main arguments (and BIGGEST arguments) are about the mental load. When we talk about managing BIG feelings in a marriage, we HAVE to talk about the mental load and how it affects the members of the household.

Have you heard of the “mental load”? It’s the phrase that is meant to capture all of the planning, organizing, attention giving, thinking and tracking that you do to run a household. It’s the unseen stuff: the birthday party planning, the tracking doctor’s visits, the noticing your child is picking their nails and might be anxious, the tracking the things you need to buy for the school year. It’s all of it besides the visible chores.

It’s Sunday night, you’re getting ready for the week, you’ve got your plan, everything’s laid out.

Monday goes by without a hitch.

And then by Tuesday you feel like you’re doing this on your own. You’re picking up the pieces, literally, in the form of clothes on the floor, without any help. You’re scrambling to get lunches packed in the morning, and shoes on screaming toddlers as you’re trying to get out the door.

Thursday you might just homeschool to avoid the mess.

It’s Friday, and by god you definitely do not feel in love.

How it is we can go from “ready and optimistic” to “broken down” in one week? How can we start the week feeling connected, and end the week yelling about dishes in the sink?

Want to share the load easily and with less hassle?

Need help finding better ways to communicate?

Check out my FAVORITE tech tip to make it easier to share the load!

What is Stonewalling? 1) refusing to answer questions, 2) avoiding conversations, 3) refusing to make eye contact, 4) waking away from the person who is initiating conversation, 5) they change the topic, or attack you, to avoid talking about it, 6) they walk out in the middle of a conversation.

Why does Stonewalling happen?

Stonewalling happens because your partner never learned to tolerate disappointing someone, or being wrong. Maybe they had a demanding parent. Maybe they never learned how to cope with their feelings. Now, as an adult, when their feelings get too big, they shut down.

Have you heard of the “mental load”? It’s the phrase that is meant to capture all of the planning, organizing, attention giving, thinking and tracking that you do to run a household. It’s the unseen stuff: the birthday party planning, the tracking doctor’s visits, the noticing your child is picking their nails and might be anxious, the tracking the things you need to buy for the school year. It’s all of it besides the visible chores.

The mental load never stops. It even happens at Olive Garden.

This story is about how to achieve really wonderful outcomes in your marriage:

• more teamwork

• the feeling that partner is a PARTNER and not a CHILD

• the feeling of being connected and loved

• less stress in your life overall!

The truth is (I really really hate to admit this) I honestly thought I was right 95% of the time. I grew up in a family where I definitely had a sense there was a “right” way to do things and a “wrong” way to do things. I prided myself on doing things well and getting things “right.” So when I got married I was shocked that my partner seemed to think he, too, was right when clearly he was going about a lot of things all wrong.

When my kids were little, the notes I took were so elaborate I think I made babysitters crazy. There was suddenly so much to organize and track, and so much to do, I had lists in every room. Five years later I was still the one tracking, organizing, remembering, planning. How did that work out for me? I was depressed. I was mad. I was resentful. I needed something to change. 

In today’s post, I’m going to teach you the FIRST step I recommend couples take first to tackle problems with chores.

Most women know what it’s like to have a husband who is slacking on doing the chores. Picture this: it’s Saturday morning and you’re tidying up the house and feeding the kids and your partner is watching sports. You can feel the resentfulness creeping in.  “Why does he assume I’ll feed the kids?” you wonder.  You are not alone. 

In today’s post, I’m going to teach you the three questions to ask yourself to help you figure out the perpetual question: “Is my partner slacking or are my standards are too high?” 

You want to start a conversation with your partner about getting on the same page with chores but you don’t know how. You’ve tried before, but it hasn’t gone well. They got defensive and started naming all the things that they do.