Stonewalling can destroy a relationship: what to do about it
Let me know if this sounds familiar: You’ve been growing more irritated over time. Your partner comes home at different times every day, and you never know when to expect them. You end up feeling frustrated because you can’t count on how the evening will run. Will you get help making dinner? Will you get help getting kids bathed? Will you be eating alone? It’s been bothering you for weeks and you’re ready to bring it up.
But when you bring it up, you get
“I’m doing the best I can.”
“I’m doing this for our family.”
“I don’t know what you expect me to do.”
And then?
Then you get silence. Stonewalling. Avoidance. Distance.
You’re no longer frustrated. Now you feel panicky. Getting pushed away is scary, and getting pushed away because you finally stated a need you have is terrifying. You start thinking, “If this shut them down, I can’t tell them the other things that are bothering me.”
The silent treatment makes you feel out of control, scared, and completely panicked. And the fact now your partner is avoiding you makes it feel like you’re going crazy inside.
I’m going to walk you through what Stonewalling is, and what to do about it.
What is Stonewalling?
refusing to answer questions
avoiding conversations
refusing to make eye contact
waking away from the person who is initiating conversation
they change the topic, or attack you, to avoid talking about it
they walk out in the middle of a conversation
Why does Stonewalling happen?
I would really love to blame the stonewaller, here, because that behavior makes me CRAZY. But, the person who is Stonewalling is probably doing it because they are freaking out inside and don’t know what else to do.
Stonewalling happens because your partner never learned to tolerate disappointing someone, or being wrong. Maybe they had a demanding parent. Maybe they never learned how to cope with their feelings. Now, as an adult, when their feelings get too big, they shut down.
Stonewalling is a protective mechanism. It’s your partner building a wall around themselves because their subconscious thinks they are under attack.
Even if you AREN’T attacking them, their body is saying:
Hey! This person thinks you’re messing up! They probably hate you now. You should be so ashamed of yourself. Get the hell outta here before it gets worse.
Remember, this is your partner’s subconscious. It’s their learned behaviors that have become automatic when they are freaked out and stressed. They might not even know that they’re doing it.
We all have ways our body responds that are automatic. The trick is learning what they are, and intentionally changing them, so we can be connected and happy partners.
What can you do about it
If your partner tends to stonewall you, the first step is to name the behavior. Find a time to talk about it when you guys are talking and not in active conflict.
Approach them and say: “Hey, can we talk for a sec? There’s something that I’d like to work on together so we fight less, are you open to it?” (Focusing on collaboration. Making sure they are ready to talk.)
“I have noticed that I get really scared when you stop talking to me or walk out of a conversation (fill in the blank). Could we work on figuring out how we can disagree so you can get space and leave the conversation but also it doesn’t scare me so much?” (Focusing on collaboration. Not blaming.)
"One thing that would help me is if you could just say ‘I need a break. Let’s talk about this in an hour.’ so that I don’t feel like you don’t care about me. When you leave without saying anything I end up feeling like you don’t care about my feelings. I know in my brain that’s not true and that you love me, but it freaks me out in the moment.” (Make your ask. Focus on your own needs without blaming.)
This is your first step, and it might not go smoothly. Remember, you are undoing DECADES of what your partner is used to doing. PRACTICE MAKES BETTER, so you need to keep at it if you want to see different results.
What to Say In The Moment
Once you’ve addressed this when things are calm, it is easier to do things differently in the moment. Remember our goal as a couple is to help one another while balancing helping ourselves. It’s a tricky dance and we don’t want to do ONLY one or the other. Here, you’ll practice finding a middle ground.
Remember that Stonewalling means they are ashamed or scared. “Hey, you know I love you and just because I’m bringing up something that’s bothering me, doesn’t mean anything about you. I know you care about me and are working hard.” If your partner’s love language is physical touch, you might hold their hand, or give them a hug. ** it’s good practice to be able to be MAD and SHOW LOVE at the same time.
Don’t back down from the discussion, but offer an alternative for them to get more regulated. “This might be a lot to talk about right now. I know you’ve (had a hard day already, are tired, fill in the blank). When would be a better time to talk about it? Maybe we can sit down tomorrow night/Saturday/fill-in-the-blank?”
Offer a connecting activity so you both can be together and regulate. “Are you up for going on a walk with me/watching a show together/playing a game?”
Take-Aways
Stonewalling is usually unintentional and unconscious
It happens because when your partner was younger big feelings and disappointing others were scary
It might indicate that your partner is going into shame/self-attack mode and is dysregulated
Before you can have a logical conversation, your partner needs to get regulated.
Like all patterns, they take repeated practice to undo. So stick with it. It will change!
Want to better understand what might be going on unconsciously with you?
If you want specific tips based on your personality, take my quiz to get your workbook of 3 Simple Steps to get Teamwork At Home based on YOUR particular personality profile. Take my QUIZ to learn more about your strengths, and how to get the most out of your relationship!
