I’m so frustrated that nothing goes as planned
It’s Sunday night, you’re getting ready for the week, you’ve got your plan, everything’s laid out.
Monday goes by without a hitch.
And then by Tuesday you feel like you’re doing this on your own. You’re picking up the pieces, literally, in the form of clothes on the floor, without any help. You’re scrambling to get lunches packed in the morning, and shoes on screaming toddlers as you’re trying to get out the door.
Thursday you might just homeschool to avoid the mess.
It’s Friday, and by god you definitely do not feel in love.
How it is we can go from “ready and optimistic” to “broken down” in one week? How can we start the week feeling connected, and end the week yelling about dishes in the sink?
One thing that derailed my partner and I was having the expectation that a plan was going to go through without a hitch. I’m a planner. I love a good plan. I can execute a plan like no one else. So when we kept ending up in fights, with kids not sleeping, with the house a mess, I was not going to accept that it was a failure of planning. Oh no, by gosh, I was not.
(Spoiler alert: plans fail.)
Plans are fantastic, but they only work with the right ingredients. What I wasn’t accounting for was that our capacity changes throughout the week depending on a myriad of factors, most of which I couldn’t see happening.
When Capacity Changes
Have you ever heard of Spoon Theory? It’s an analogy used in the chronic illness space to help explain how those with chronic illness have varying amounts of energy to “spend” on tasks throughout the week. One day they might wake up with 6 spoonfuls of energy and are able to get dressed, go for a walk, make dinner, and put the kids to bed. The next day they might wake up with 3 spoonfuls of energy; on that day, getting dressed and going for a walk would “spend” all their “spoons” because their pain is higher and they have less capacity.
We can learn a lot from the chronic illness space in the need to 1) understand and listen to your body and capacity, 2) accept that it changes over time, and 3) work to communicate that to others.
Applying this to your relationship
Checking in with your partner on their capacity for the week or the day and communicating your own capacity, allows you to pivot as needed so that your planning can be most effective. I use “tank of gas” as our estimation tool, but you can use whatever works for your family.
If I have a full tank of gas, I’m ready to go and have everything I need.
If I’m next to empty, or running on fumes, I need as much support and help as I can get.
How to use the tank of gas rating:
1) Tell the other person what your tank is at. Ask what their tank is at.
2) Tell them how that will impact your ability to do your normal responsibilities. Do not assume they will figure out how to cover for you! Ask for help or find solutions to compensate.
3) Check in to see how that sounds.
What would that look like?
Let’s say Monday nights are going to be your check in nights. You spend ten minutes at dinner/after kids are asleep/in bed doing a check-in. Here Partner1 is in bold and Partner2 is italicized.
What’s your capacity this week?
Well, I have a big deadline this week, and I know I’m going to have to put in longer hours at work than normal. I think I’ll be getting home late on Wednesday and Thursday. It’s pretty stressful; I’m having hard time sleeping. I’d guess I’m running at half a tank of gas this week.
Okay, so it sounds like I’d be on my own for dinner and bedtime on Wednesday and Thursday nights?
Yeah, I think so. What’s your capacity this week?
Let’s look at two different responses and how they could go.
Response #1
I’m feeling okay. I’ve probably got almost a full tank. Work’s pretty light this week actually. Julia has play practice on Wednesday, but I think I can make it work. If I can’t then I’ll call a babysitter. What about chores and stuff?
Well, normally I would say that I’ll try to do them, but I think this week I’d be lying if I said that. I probably won’t get to the laundry and vacuuming until the weekend.
Okay. That’s fine. I just definitely need the laundry done before Monday. I can’t stand dog hair piling up all week so I will do the vacuuming this week.
Yeah, I can do the laundry by Monday. Thanks, hon. I appreciate the help.
Sure. Is there anything you need to help with your stress?
If you could do bedtime this week that would be amazing. Then I can do it next week to give you a break.
Okay. Although, if these kids keeping pushing my buttons then I might end up asking for help or need to get help somewhere.
Response #2
I’m pretty drained. I’m having a really hard time with the kids, they’re pushing my buttons. I think I’m a little worn out from seeing my folks over the weekend on top of it. I’m not feeling very rested this week for sure. I’m probably at 50% capacity.
Okay. Neither of us are having a great week already. Okay, this seems like a week to forget about good dinner expectations and just do cereal for dinner or takeout when needed. What do you think?
Yeah, good thinking. I’m a little worried about Wednesday night, though, because Julia has play practice and I’m driving carpool.
Okay. How about I call the babysitter/my mom/a neighbor/etc tonight and see if she can come and help out Wednesday night? Maybe have her stay to help with bedtime?
Yes! That would be great. I think with that help, and just planning that dinner is gonna be low-key, this week will be fine. I’ll lay off on my expectations about chores getting done on time, as long as we can catch up on chores together this weekend.
Got it. I’ll need a little downtime after the deadline to recuperate, and then I’ll make sure to help with chores.
Sounds good.
The key is to apply the same steps:
1) Tell the other person what your tank is at. Ask what their tank is at.
2) Tell them how that will impact your ability to do your normal responsibilities. Do not assume they will figure out how to cover for you! Ask for help or find solutions to compensate.
3) Check in to see how that sounds.
It takes practice, and if adjusting isn’t a strength of yours, then this one will be a hard one.
Give yourself permission to practice and let it be messy.
You’re building a HUGE communication skill by doing this, so don’t give up!! You got this, it will just take time!!
Blogs are pretty full of generalizations. If you want specific tips based on your personality, take my QUIZ to learn more about your strengths, and how to get the most out of your relationship!
