I’m resentful and miserable, so why do i feel powerless to change it?
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In the therapy world, we use an analogy of long-term, high functioning depression in terms of someone wearing a backpack with rocks in it. Every day a new rock is added to the backpack, but the weight is small enough you can manage through the day and adapt. This goes on, and on, until it feels harder and harder to just move. You’ve been wearing the backpack for so long, you’ve actually forgotten you’re wearing it. You blame yourself for being so tired, so slow, so “lazy.” You don’t know why it’s so hard to function like other people and decide that there’s just something wrong with you.
A similar analogy can be used for the mental load. Except, I would change it a little….
We’ve been told growing up that even though we have on the backpack, we have been given a gift that other generations haven’t had: we are independent! You get to work outside of the house (while wearing your backpack of course) and because you have the choice to do this, you are equal! Congratulations! You’ve made it.
Yet, every day feels harder than the last. Your back hurts (because you’re hauling around a ton of rocks, but you aren’t aware of this), you’re tired, you can’t seem to sleep enough, your mood is shoddy, you can’t seem to have fun, you don’t enjoy playing with your kids, and all of this — the world tells you — means you have done something wrong.
Then, one day, you read a meme. The meme talks about the “mental load” and all the unseen work you’ve been doing. It feels as though a kind person came and said, “Hey, did you notice you’ve been wearing a backpack full of rocks?”
The person says this and then looks at you expectantly.
“Why aren’t you taking it off?” they wonder. “I told you about it, so now it’s time to change it!”
“Why aren’t I taking it off?” you wonder. “I don’t want to carry it.” And yet, when you try to squirm out of it and put it down and you can’t do it.
The next morning you get up and go through the day, with the backpack on, but now you feel it acutely: every shift on your back that makes your abs hurt; every time you bend over and get off balance and feel like you just don’t know if you can keep going.
Today, you have all the same pain, and bad mood, and exhaustion, but today you realize that it’s the god awful backpack that’s making your life so hard and awful. Every person — mostly men, you realize — that you see that isn’t wearing a backpack becomes a target of your resentment and bitterness and jealousy.
I walked down this road. The resentment ate at me. I was passive aggressive with my partner: I slammed kitchen cabinets, and made snide comments as I tidied up (“I guess I’m the only one capable of seeing cups lying around.”), and was silent and cold as I stalked through the house.
What I didn’t understand then, was that he also didn’t see the backpack. I was so angry and resentful that he wasn’t helping me get the blasted thing off, I never was able to fully articulate my experience. I never actually trusted him to listen or to care.
I was lucky. After a time, we ended up in couples’ counseling, and then individual therapy for both of us, and were able to learn how to talk to each other. It took a while, but he listened, and over time began to understand and make changes.
I’m not so niave as to tell you talking will fix everything. And there are lots of feminists who do not believe that it is our job as women to explain the mental load to men, and I very much understand that and to a large degree agree with it.
It is our responsibility, though, in relationship to show up authentically, honestly, and openly with our partners.
That means directly, honestly, authentically telling your partner your truth.
Even if it will hurt them.
Even if you’re scared to.
I can guarantee you that the path on Resentment Road will not fix your relationship, nor will it take that damned backpack off your shoulders.
The question is, are you willing to do something hard and brave and try a different road? One you didn’t learn to traverse growing up. One with unfamiliar terrain. One that your mother didn’t go down.
If it helps, I’ll walk with you on it. You won’t be alone as you go.
My partner and I both have backpacks on these days. The rocks aren’t exactly evenly distributed; I don’t know if that’s actually truly possible. Instead, we trade them back and forth based on how we’re doing, if one of us has more capacity or more energy. And some days, we just walk slowly together because we’re both struggling.
I invite you to come with me to try something different from what you’ve been doing.
I’m creating a video that will walk your partner through understanding what the mental load is, how it affects everyone, and why it’s important to share. If you’re interested, I’m opening a waitlist now that will give you first access to the video and a discount on it! Just sign up below and I’ll let you know when it’s available and how to get your discount!
