How a One hour weekly Household Meeting Can Easily Save Your sanity
When my kids were little, I was surviving by taking notes on everything. I think I was making the babysitters crazy, actually. I mean, I did literally make a template and print it out so that babysitters would give me all the information I wanted. There was suddenly so much to organize and track, and so much to do, I had lists in every room. (Some might call it compulsive.) I felt like I was losing my mind with all the new responsibility and tasks. I was doing whatever I could to manage it all.
Although my partner and I had planned on sharing the caretaking and household responsibilities equally, my maternity leave left me alone doing it all while my partner returned to work. Like a lot of folks in that position, we didn’t sit down and re-evaluate who is doing what when I returned to work. Instead, it was a non-event for me to KEEP doing it all even as I started back at work.
Five years later I was still the one tracking, organizing, remembering, planning. How did that work out for me? I was depressed. I was mad. I was resentful. I needed something to change.
In today’s post, I’m going to teach you the FIRST step I recommend couples take to tackle problems with household tasks.
I bet there are things that you wish your partner was doing. You might wonder why your partner doesn’t get the kids dressed in the morning while you’re making breakfast. Or you don’t understand why he sits on the couch while you are doing dishes instead of putting the kids in the bath. Or maybe you wish he would do the laundry and not leave it to you.
Our unsaid expectations can drive a wedge between us.
We become frustrated, disappointed, resentful and hurt. Partners feels like they can’t ever do anything right because they aren’t figuring out what we want. Both partners feel unseen and irritable.
While I grew up thinking my partnership would be equal, I really didn’t know how to make that happen other than to just expect it to happen naturally. My mom did all the indoor the house jobs, and my dad did all the outside the house jobs. I never saw my parents coordinating who would do what. I never knew how they figured out their division of labor. So here I am, married with a kiddo, and have no clue how to run a household with a partner.
Once we found a system that worked we felt seen, cared for, and FINALLY felt like a team.
I’m going to walk you through how to have a Household Meeting that will set you up for success. Learn from my mistakes, my successes, and my work experience so that you can get on the same page with your partner.
Want more help keeping organized? This FREE template for the Household Business Meeting will give you the framework to get your partnership on the same page.
Here are the key points to the system that worked for us:
Schedule 1 hour a week for your “Household Business Meeting”
A joke that has an edge is that you either spend an hour a week meeting about household chores with your partner now, or an hour a week in couples counseling later. Prioritizing this time not only creates health in your relationship, but it is a reminder that partnerships need to be prioritized. You both are important. Your relationship is important. Keeping this hour a week to talk is a symbol that you both have your relationship as a priority.
Talk only about the last week and the next week
This meeting is not the time to talk about old problems, or drudge up past hurts. This meeting is about looking at what worked and didn’t in the past week, and what’s coming up in the next week. Staying present keeps you focused on what is and isn’t working now.
If someone brings up past problems, table them for later. One thing to say is, “I hear you. We’d agreed to stay in the present for these meetings, so let’s find another time to talk about that. When should we revisit it?” Then quickly schedule a time to chat about it, and come back to the meeting.
Stay positive
Sometimes it feels like nothing is working. I know there are times I have felt hopeless in my marriage. I felt so alone, and so disappointed in how little my partner did, I was hard-pressed to find anything I felt happy about.
These are the times it is especially important to dig down, and remember the good things about why you are with this person. That’s why the first thing to do in this meeting is to start with appreciations. Pick something specific that your partner has done in the last week that you’ve genuinely appreciated.
Changes take time.
When we are unhappy, we are desperate for fast change. Unfortunately, that’s not how people work. We take time to learn new skills and figure out new things. Give yourselves grace to take time in figuring out how to have these conversations and how to structure your relationship.
Pick one thing that you want to tweak from the past week. Maybe the before school routine wasn’t working and you need to get clear on who is doing what. Maybe the laundry was piling up and everyone ran out of clean clothes. Pick one thing you’d like to focus on, and let your partner pick on thing. You’ll have time to do the rest later.
You’ll get this. It’s not hopeless. You just didn’t have this modeled for you. It will take time, but it will get better.
Do you want a template to use to run your meeting? Download my Household Business Template to help run your weekly meeting!
