Scripts and Tips
Featured
We raise men to value strength, being right, and being tough over being in touch emotionally.(This is actually misogyny: devaluing "feminine" characteristics.)
As a result, when confronted with their mistakes or ways they may have unintentionally hurt someone, they ⚡go very quickly into shame⚡. This happens when ⚡they can't tolerate the "I'm wrong"⚡ experience.As a result, when someone shares they were hurt, they interpret it as 💥blame💥 instead of as sharing experiences.💥
One way many men avoid shame is by turning the blame they perceive around on someone else. They don't know how to tolerate feeling bad, so they project it outwards instead.
It’s Sunday night, you’re getting ready for the week, you’ve got your plan, everything’s laid out.
Monday goes by without a hitch.
And then by Tuesday you feel like you’re doing this on your own. You’re picking up the pieces, literally, in the form of clothes on the floor, without any help. You’re scrambling to get lunches packed in the morning, and shoes on screaming toddlers as you’re trying to get out the door.
Thursday you might just homeschool to avoid the mess.
It’s Friday, and by god you definitely do not feel in love.
How it is we can go from “ready and optimistic” to “broken down” in one week? How can we start the week feeling connected, and end the week yelling about dishes in the sink?
What is Stonewalling? 1) refusing to answer questions, 2) avoiding conversations, 3) refusing to make eye contact, 4) waking away from the person who is initiating conversation, 5) they change the topic, or attack you, to avoid talking about it, 6) they walk out in the middle of a conversation.
Why does Stonewalling happen?
Stonewalling happens because your partner never learned to tolerate disappointing someone, or being wrong. Maybe they had a demanding parent. Maybe they never learned how to cope with their feelings. Now, as an adult, when their feelings get too big, they shut down.
Have you heard of the “mental load”? It’s the phrase that is meant to capture all of the planning, organizing, attention giving, thinking and tracking that you do to run a household. It’s the unseen stuff: the birthday party planning, the tracking doctor’s visits, the noticing your child is picking their nails and might be anxious, the tracking the things you need to buy for the school year. It’s all of it besides the visible chores.
The mental load never stops. It even happens at Olive Garden.
This story is about how to achieve really wonderful outcomes in your marriage:
more teamwork
the feeling that partner is a PARTNER and not a CHILD
the feeling of being connected and loved
less stress in your life overall!
Most women know what it’s like to have a husband who is slacking on doing the chores. Picture this: it’s Saturday morning and you’re tidying up the house and feeding the kids and your partner is watching sports. You can feel the resentfulness creeping in. “Why does he assume I’ll feed the kids?” you wonder. You are not alone.
In today’s post, I’m going to teach you the three questions to ask yourself to help you figure out the perpetual question: “Is my partner slacking or are my standards are too high?”
You want to start a conversation with your partner about getting on the same page with chores but you don’t know how. You’ve tried before, but it hasn’t gone well. They got defensive and started naming all the things that they do.